On a Personal Note : Complicated Feelings about Easter

Today is Easter. With big kids and not being particularly religious, we didn’t celebrate, and I find myself having complicated feelings about it. I grew up in a family that celebrated Easter and had a family gathering with aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins, including egg hunts and ham dinners. We went to Mass multiple times during Holy Week. My parents still celebrate today, and have sent “Happy Easter” pictures and texts today.

I have this vague feeling that now I’m just missing…. something. I floated the idea of an egg hunt with my family, even offering to fill eggs with cash money, and no one was receptive. I thought about putting together Easter baskets anyway, but, ultimately I would be doing it alone and that feels lonely to me, and I feel unclear who it would be FOR. I don’t think my family would notice or care and, honestly, it’s not about Easter as much as it’s about just celebrating a weekend together and making it feel a little whimsical and magical. We did have the opportunity to join some friends last night and dye some eggs, and it was lovely, but my own internal voice is screaming that I didn’t do enough and battling the need to go overboard and buy baskets full of things no one wants or needs.

Instead, I am sitting on my bed, doing my normal Sunday routine - scheduling out my week for myself and the kids, making appointments, and changing all our sheets, and cleaning up our living spaces to reset before Monday. I have to work this evening because I am desperately behind at work so that’s giving me a little more Easter-is-a-bummer this year vibes.

I want to feel better about this Spring - I want to be excited to have a senior graduating and an 8th grader being promoted, but all I can seem to see is anxiety and the weight of everyones emotions. It’s my busiest time of the year at work, and I never want to quit so bad as I do right now. I wake up multiple times a night fueled with I-can’t-do-this feelings. I just don’t think I was meant to work a 9-5 in office job (and I do like working!), and I can’t seem to figure out (at the ripe age of 44) what the alternative is that allows me to have time with my family AND support myself financially.

Thanks for taking a moment to process these Spring Time tumultuous feelings with me on this Easter Sunday - it makes me feel less alone to think someone might be reading this and connecting with any little bit.